Words, Body, Tone

Lou Priolo has an excellent chapter on biblical communication being the key to dealing with anger. Here is a quote, " I don't believe you will ever solve your anger problems without making it your goal to become proficient in biblical communication." (p. 54) But what struck me most about the chapter was the way he addressed all three ways we communicate. He noted that we communicate by words, tone of voice and with our body (non-verbal communication). Here is another quote. "It is not enough to choose the right words. We must say the right words in a tone that is appropriate." (p. 56) His point throughout the chapter is that we must train our children to respond appropriately using all three modes of communication.

I am often happy if my child voices the words, "I'm sorry." Or "Yes Sir." But I am not nearly as diligent to make sure their tone and non-verbal communication is respectful and godly. As I have begun to work on those two other areas I have noticed that it is much more difficult for a child to fake all three modes of communication. Usually, their words are fine, but their tone is not. When I ask them to fix their tone it can take a while. They may need to sit down and think about how to respond. All in all I feel that by addressing all three areas of communication I am getting deeper into their heart.

Provocative Parenting II

I am working through Lou Priolo's book The Heart of Anger. Yesterday I posted the first ten ways we as parents provoke our children to anger. Here are the last fifteen.

1. Parents Reversing God-Given Roles

2. Not Listening to Your Child's Opinion or Taking Their Side of the Story Seriously

3. Comparing Them to Others

4. Not Making Time Just to Talk

5. Not Praising or Encouraging Your Child

6. Failing to Keep Your Promises

7. Chastening in Front of Others

8. Not Allowing Enough Freedom: His point here is that when a child demonstrates faithfulness they should be rewarded with more freedom. If a parent refuses to reward faithfulness they could provoke the child.

9. Allowing Too Much Freedom: His point here is that when a child demonstrates sinful behavior and it is not dealt with or the child continues to enjoy all privileges then the parents are provoking the child to anger.

10. Mocking Your Child

11. Abusing Them Physically

12. Ridiculing or Name Calling

13. Unrealistic Expectations

14. Practicing Favoritism

15. Child Training with Worldly Methodologies Inconsistent with God's Word

Provocative Parenting

In the next chapter Lou Priolo lists twenty-five ways parents provoke their children to anger. Here are the first 10 on the list.

1. Lack of Marital Harmony

2. Establishing and Maintaining a Child-Center Home

3. Modeling Sinful Anger

4. Habitually Disciplining While Angry

5. Scolding

6. Being Inconsistent with Discipline

7. Having Double Standards

8. Being Legalistic

9. Not Admitting Your Wrong and Asking for Forgiveness

10. Constantly Finding Fault

The Child-Centered Home

I just finished Lou Priolo's book, The Heart of Anger. I found it very helpful. It was filled with practical suggestions for getting to the problems that are causing anger in the home and in children. The book is filled with charts and lists, which the reader can easily refer back to when they need a refresher. Many of the suggestions he makes would apply just as easily to other sins, such as jealousy, laziness, or lust.

One of the first things he does is address the sins of the parents. He states that anger often resides in children because they live in a child-centered home. "A child-centered home is one in which a child believes and is allowed to behave as though the entire household, parents, siblings, and even pets exist for one purpose--to please him." (p. 24) You can see how this would create an angry environment. What is going to happen in a home like this when a child does not get his way? Anger. When I read this I immediately assumed my home was not a child centered home. But then Priolo lists several characteristics of child-centered home. Once I read the list I realized that a lot of these things do happen in my home.

You live in a child-centered home when children:
1. Interrupt adults when they are talking.

2. Use manipulation and rebellion to get their way.

3. Dictate family schedule, including meal times and bed times.

4. Take precedence over the needs of the spouse.

5. Have an equal or overriding vote in all decision making matters.

6. Demand excessive time and attention from parents to the detriment of the other biblical requirements of the parents.

7. Escape the consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior.

8. Speak to parents as though they were peers.

9. Are dominant influence in the home.

10. Are entertained and coddled, rather than disciplined, out of a bad mood.