The God Who Gives

Belgic Confession: Article 1
We all believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that there is a single and simple spiritual being, whom we call God -- eternal, incomprehensible, invisible, unchangeable, infinite, almighty; completely wise, just, and good, and the overflowing fountain of all good. 

How you approach Christmas and Thanksgiving says a lot about your view of God the Father. The kind of God you believe in will show up in what you do, how you do it, and why you do it. We see the world around us abuse these two holidays and we wonder how to react. Unfortunately, for many Christians they believe the proper way to put Christ back into Christmas is to become Scrooge. But when they do this they are lying about God. God gives. He has always given.

He gave us a garden where everything was a "yes" except one tree.
He gave Noah a new world.
He gave Abraham a promise of sons, families, and nations.
He gave Israel a land flowing with milk and honey.
He gave Israel a king in glory.
He gave the Word which brings life and rejoicing.
He gave us snow, rain, thunder, lightening, the sun, the stars, spiders, whales, llamas, toads, coal, trees as tall as skyscrapers, canyons as deep as skyscrapers, oceans miles deep, and hearts that beat.
He gave men who made cars, planes, movies, smartphones, computers, houses, guns, toys, books, pens, coffee, pancakes, and underwear.
He gave delight and pleasure and joy.
He gave so we might work again.
He gave so we might rejoice in our labor and the fruits of our labor.
He gave his only Begotten Son to deliver us from the wrath to come.
He gave his only Begotten Son to those who hate Him.
He gave his only Begotten Son so we might have abundant life. If you think this is about your heart only you missed the point.
He gave us his Spirit, poured out on us so we might be new creatures
He gave so we could be naked and not ashamed.
He gave so we could drink beer with a smile and with deep joy.
He gave so we could eat a second piece of pie without worry.
He gave so we could be free.
He gave so we might stop working.
He gave so our bodies might rise from the ground with tongues that taste, ears that hear, noses that smell, hands that touch, and feet that dance.
He gave so we might be glorified.
He gave so we might give.

He did not give with a pursed lip.
He did not give reminding us to not enjoy it too much. "Make sure you don't get too excited."
He did not just give to our spirits.
He did not give just enough. He gave abundantly. Imagine if He gave one star? One snowflake?
He did not give to make us feel guilty.
He did not give to get.

How then shall we live? In light of God's open hand how can we reflect his character?

Give thanks. This means prayers of thanks. It means giving thanks for all who came before us. But it means a lot more than that. Eat your turkey with glad hearts. Laugh. Tell jokes. Take a sip of beer and smile. Rest in the work of Christ by sleeping soundly in your recliner filled to the brim with turkey. Then get up and have some more. Delight in the world God has made by watching football or better yet playing football. If there is snow, sled, come in drink hot chocolate, and then sled again. What about Jesus you say? But when you ask that question that way you miss the point that for the Christian Jesus is in these things. Christ came to save us. But a saved man enjoys what he is given by Jesus. Yes, he gives thanks for Christ, the cross, His Word, worship, and all those good things. Because he gives thanks for Christ and the Cross he also enjoys his daily bread. All things can be received with thanksgiving (I Timothy 4:4-5) because God was manifested in the flesh (I Timothy 3:16). The man who frowns over the good gifts of God is no better than the man who abuses those gifts. You don't honor Jesus by pretending the gifts weren't given or by refusing to enjoy them.

Give stuff. Some can give more. Some can give less. But give. Give presents and stockings. Give candy, turkeys, hams, pies, toys, Legos, wine, and cigars. Oh and books, give lots of books. Give memories your children will look back on with joy. Give traditions your children with take with them. Give the gift of delight and pleasure. Give Christ, in word yes, but also in action. Give your children your time. Give your wife an evening in bed...with you having just showered. Sing and make merry.  Put on music and not just Handel's Messiah, though of course you should do that. Give lights strung up in your children's bedrooms and leave them on all night. Stay up late and watch Elf or Its a Wonderful Life or A Charlie Brown Christmas or whatever your family enjoys. Give a feast or go to a feast.  If you are not married, go to your family's Christmas party bearing gifts for parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews. Hold one of the little ones on Thanksgiving. Play in the yard with the young boys in your family. Give gifts to your friends and folks at church. Give of your time, your money, your energy and yourself. Give and then give some more.

Christ came so a people could be formed into his image, a people filled with joy, and overflowing with gifts. As good children let us imitate our Father this holiday season.

Porn is Barren

One of the things that should be most obvious to a man about the women involved in pornography is that such images, however appealing a man may find them, are images that can present him with no children. They are barren. They flaunt their breasts, but they will never nurse the children of those who gawk with them. The men who pursue such women are men who want such barrenness; they find it a selling point. Another way of saying this is that they don't want to be fathers. They want the privileges of sexual release (after a fashion) but without the responsibilities that God's wisdom necessarily attached to these pleasures.  Douglas Wilson in Father Hunger.  

A Few Words for Parents Who Home Schooled

This is a companion post to the one I wrote to children who were home schooled. I would encourage you to read them both as they balance each other out. I was home schooled and I am currently homeschooling so I have been on both ends of these blog posts. This will apply to a lot of parents, but I address it to those who home schooled. 

This is what I would say to parents who home schooled.

First, the problems you see in the life of your grown children are your fault. It is not only your fault. Your children have a sin nature. But you played a significant role in shaping the sins of your children. This is a hard truth that we would rather ignore. Many home schooling parents have a high view of their responsibility in raising their children when they are at home, but refuse to accept responsibility for how children behave when they leave. They are your children. You raised them. They learned how to think and act from you. If you see things in your grown children that you don't like then look in the mirror and repent. For what you see in them more than likely came from you.

Second, when a child leaves the home your role as a parent shifts dramatically. You need to let them go and live their life. Homeschooling parents often want to keep telling their children what to do after they are grown. This is particularly devastating for men. How can he lead his home when dad still orders him around? How can his wife respect him when he is constantly bending to what mom says? How can a wife make decisions for her family if she has to check with mom all the time? Grown children should respect their parents. But respect does not equal obedience.  A man is supposed to leave his father and mother. Your grown children should have the freedom to disagree with you and make different choices. They need to know they have this freedom. You should not make them feel guilty for exercising this freedom. You can offer counsel when asked, but that counsel should come with no strings attached. In short, when you children leave your home they are free from your authority and ideally they should probably be relatively free of your authority before they leave the home.

Third, just because your children make different choices than you does not mean they have gone off the deep end.  Home school parents often have precise ideas about how things should be done. When a grown child deviates from this it can cause anxiety.  But in many cases this anxiety is unwarranted. Just because your child uses a different school schedule than you did does not mean they are going to leave the faith. Just because they go to the home school co-op and you didn't does not mean they have gone liberal. We could go on and on with this list talking about school curriculum, vaccines, where to give birth, how they dress, what they allow their children to watch, how they celebrate holidays, what type of church they attend, etc. You made the choices you thought were best as you raised your children. Now your children must do the same. Just because they choose differently does not mean they have rejected you, their upbringing, or God. In fact, you should expect them to make different choices. You should expect them to outgrow you, unless you got everything perfect. There should be times where you look at your children, smile, and say, "I wish I had done that."

Fourth, admit to your grown children where you failed them. What mistakes did you make? What would you have done differently? How did you fail to love them? How did you fail to follow the Scriptures? How did you fail to love Christ? I am not encouraging you to call them weekly and tell them what a bad parent you were like some sappy episode of Oprah. What I am encouraging is sitting down and saying, "Son, I wish I had done this and here is why." Or "Daughter, I thought I was right here, but I was wrong. I don't want you to make the same mistakes." Or, "Son, I sinned against you by not doing...Please forgive me for this." This is Christianity 101. Confess your sins one to another. By the way, this is a lot easier to do with your grown children if you did it with them when they were young.

Fifth, trust the Lord with your grown children. You are not God.  He is powerful, mighty, and sovereign. You are not. In many ways, your work is done. That can be terrifying, if you are trusting in your work. Don't do that. Rest in His goodness. Rest in the promises in His Word. Rest in the finished work of Christ. Seek the throne of grace on behalf of your children. Many home schooling parents become fearful and anxious when their children leave the home. This is understandable, but shows a lack of trust in God. Look to Christ and trust that if your children are looking to Him too then all will be well. (Memorizing Heidelberg Catechism questions 26-28 might help with your anxiety.)

Sixth, give thanks to the Lord for your grown children, their spouses, and your grandchildren.  I do not mean be thankful in your hearts. Tell them you appreciate them. Magnify their achievements. Glory in all the good they are doing. Praise them in public and private. Rejoice over the work God is doing in their lives, their spouse's life, and in your grandchildren. No matter your situation, God has been better to you than you deserve. My guess is that many (though I know not all) home schooled children grow up to love Jesus, His Word, and His Church. What more could you want? They may not do exactly what you did the way you did it, but does that mean you cannot be grateful?

A Few Words for Children Who Were Home Schooled

This article is meant to be read in conjunction with the one to parents. They balance each other out. I was home schooled and I am currently homeschooling so I have been on both ends of these blog posts. I think there is much here for all children to learn, but I have addressed this specifically to home schooled children.  

The world of home schooling has blown up over the last year, especially with the ugly sins of Doug Philips and Bill Gothard being exposed. These men influenced home schoolers in significant ways. This has led to blog posts, web sites, etc., by adults who were home schooled, where they decry their upbringing. Often these articles have good points, but, at times, there is an underlying attitude that can leave a bad taste in my mouth. Here is what I would say to adults who were home schooled and look back with disappointment on their growing up years.

First, don't blame your parents and your upbringing for your sins and your problems. Sometimes these articles can be summed up as: Mom and Dad left me with a lot of baggage. All of our parents did that. You will do that to your kids. If you see problems in your life, don't whisper to yourself, "It was my parents' fault."  Don't allow your heart to echo, "If only my upbringing was different." Your upbringing was fine. You did not have it any worse than anyone else. This victim mentality fits in well with American culture, but isn't befitting someone claiming the name of Christ.

Second, stop trying to show your parents all the things they did wrong. Often you should make different decisions than your parents. The problem is not making a different choice than Mom and Dad. It is making a different choice and making a point with that different choice. Make the choices you think are best according to the Scriptures, but don't poke your parents in the eye while doing it. Treat your parents with respect even when you disagree with them or do things differently.  As an aside, grown children should be cautious about calling out their parents, especially publicly. Your parents did sin against you, as you will sin against your children. But grace covers sin. Cover your parents' sins.

Third, rules do not equal legalism. Just because your parents made you wear denim jumpers or wouldn't let you watch R movies does not make them a Pharisee. The word legalism is tossed around too easily today. Different rules from the ones you have for your household does not mean you were raised as a Pharisee. Legalism does exist in homeschooling circles. But it should be carefully defined and then proven. Saying your parents were legalists may score you rhetorical points, but it doesn't prove your point.

Fourth, in most cases your parents were first or second generation home schoolers. They were pioneers. When my mom home schooled me the choices were limited. Now they are almost unlimited. Blazing a trail is different from settling down and building a city. They had to cut down their own trees. There were no paved roads. That means the path was rougher and maybe they got off track here and there. Be gracious and humble. They did a good work by trying to bring you up in the ways of Christ. Was it perfect? Of course not. Were there things about the home schooling movement that were off track? Of course. As 2nd or 3rd generation home schoolers we need to keep building the city, but not with a pride that looks down on those who got us here.

Finally, give thanks for the parents God gave to you. I do not mean a warm, fuzzy feeling just above your rib cage. Tell them how thankful you are for what they did. Tell your children how thankful you are for your parents. Call them often and tell them of your love. Speak well of them in public and private. All of us could find things wrong with our parents. All of us could snipe and pick and bite them. But as Christians is that what we are supposed to do? Doesn't love cover a multitude of sins? Would you want your grown children sniping at you that way? Didn't the same God who sent His Son to deliver you send those parents to raise you? Be grateful for what they gave you, not bitter over what they didn't.

Parental Consent to Marriage in Geneva

In most cultures parental involvement in who someone married was a given. Children assumed that the approval, especially of the father, was good and in  many cases necessary for a marriage to move forward. Geneva was no different. Eight of the first ten articles in Geneva's 1546 Marriage Ordinance were devoted to parental consent. The prominence of parental consent issues in this document show the importance of the doctrine to John Calvin. Here is a summary of those eight articles.

1. Any son under twenty and daughter under eighteen years of age had to have the father's consent to marry. After that age they were free to marry whom they wished though the father's consent was still desirable.

In this article the age at which a child can marry without parental consent is given. However, there was "no minimum age children needed to be to enter into marriage in the first place." This was flexible. The child had to be able to bear or sire children and thus must be post-puberty. In theory, any time after puberty a child could be given consent to marry. In reality, the maturity or lack thereof of a child played a big role in when consent was given. I will look at this more closely in the next blog post.

2. If the father was dead, a ward or guardian could take the father's place. Relatives of the child were to be consulted about a child's marriage choice if the father was dead.

3, If two people under-age have entered into a secret marriage it can be dissolved at the parents' or guardians' request.

4. Secret promises to marry between under-age couples were not valid.

Note that the marriage "can be" dissolved in #3 at the parent's request. It does not appear that it had to be. 

The authors make this note. "All the leading Protestant reformers allowed parents to annul their children's secret engagements. The question that divided Protestants sharply was whether parents could annul their children's secret marriages, too."  By 1560 Calvin decided that secret marriages, which had been consummated, could not be annulled just because the couple was under-age.

The authors add

The medieval canonists used sacramental logic: even secret marriages could not be dissolved because they were sacramental. Calvin used prudential logic: Even secret marriages could not be dissolved because that catered to parental tyranny, left despoiled virgins vulnerable to spinsterhood, and consigned any children of the union to the bane of bastardy. 

5. A father cannot withhold the dowry if a daughter above age has married lawfully, but against the father's wishes.

6. A father cannot compel a child to marry against their will. If a young person refuses consent the father cannot punish them for this.

7. If a child rebels against their father's will and marries badly the father can refuse to provide for the child.

This is the balance to #5 and #6. Children had freedom in who they married, but if it could be proven that they married a wicked or immoral spouse then the father had the right to refuse financial support.

8. A previously married child is free to remarry without the father's consent though it is desirable.

Calvin felt that parental consent was essential in making the decision to marry. It gave the child guidance and direction in determining whom to marry. Here are few quotes from Calvin on the matter:

Since marriage forms a principle part of human life, it is right that, in contracting it, children should be subject to their parents, and should obey their counsel. This order is what nature prescribes and dictates.

It is not lawful for the children of a family to contract marriage except with the consent of the parents. And, certainly, natural equity dictates that, in a matter of such importance, children should depend upon the will of the parents.

However, Calvin was no fool and he knew the doctrine of depravity extended to parents as well as children. He often condemned men in the Bible, such as Caleb, for holding out their daughters as prizes of war without consulting them. Here are some quotes that show the balance between the consent of the child and the will of the parents:

Children should allow themselves to be governed by their parents, and that they, on the other hand, do not drag their children by force to what is against their inclination, and they have no other object in view, in the exercise of their authority, than the advantage of their children.

Although it is the office of parents to settle their daughters in life, they are not permitted to exercise tyrannical power or to assign them to whatever husbands they think fit without consulting them.  For while all contracts ought to be voluntary, freedom ought to prevail especially in marriage that no one may pledge his faith against his will. 

Here is a quote from Theodore Beza, John Calvin's successor:

Are children to agree necessarily with those in whose power they are? I reply that they are not forced since a free and fully voluntary consent is a first requirement for marriage. But still the respect owed to parents  and to those who take the place of parents demands that [a minor child] should not disagree with them, except for a very serious reason. But in turn, it is only fair that parents treat their children with moderation and not force them into this or that marriage against their will

Parental consent like individual consent was essential to a valid engagement in Geneva.  A few closing thoughts on Geneva's laws regarding parents involvement in the marriages of their children.

There is a wonderful balance, at least on paper, between the will of the parents and the will of the child. We tend towards extremes. Many evangelical parents have little say in who their children marry. They assume a child can make their decisions with little guidance. In reaction to this many family-centered types have made the will of the child of little consequence. If dad doesn't like the boy then the daughter cannot marry him even if he is godly. In Geneva, neither the child nor the parent got to dictate. Both were to work together towards a mutually agreed upon marriage. Parents should be involved in whom their children choose to marry, even if the child has left the home. But the will of the parents does not trump the will of the child.

In Geneva, the father had real authority, but not absolute authority. In family-centered/patriarchal churches it is often assumed that whatever dad thinks must go. A father makes decisions about his daughter's future and assumes there is no one above him to whom he is accountable. But in Geneva fathers would be chastised by the Consistory if they were exercising their power in a tyrannical fashion. Children could appeal to the Consistory if the father refused consent for selfish reasons. It was specifically said that if a child and parent could not come to an agreement then they should go to the magistrate. Beza said, "Severity of fathers in all aspects of their role should be shunned, and likewise fathers must be warned against abusing the power entrusted them by God."  Patriarchy, as understood by the reformers, meant that fathers were accountable to the elders, the broader community, and the magistrate. The fear some have of patriarchy could be alleviated if there was more authority over fathers and if fathers submitted willingly to that authority. On the flip side, some of those anti-patriarchy folks need to remember that fathers do have real authority over their children. 

The above paragraphs show how Geneva tried to functioned as a community, not a collection of individuals. The decision to marry was not left up to the man and woman only, as is often the case in our society. The parents, extended family, community, state, church, prospective spouses, and of course God speaking in the Scriptures all had a say in who married who.  Today if one person "loves" another person that is assumed to be all that is necessary for a marriage to be formed. But in Geneva that would have been impossible. Outside consent was as necessary as individual consent. The decision to marry was built on the consent of the community not just on the feelings of the individuals involved. 

Spanking in Reformation Europe

Here is an interesting quote from Steven Ozment's book When Fathers Ruled.  All punctuation and italics are Ozment's.

When the unpleasant task of spanking was necessary, always as last resort, the housefather books, summarizing generations of advice on corporal punishment, instructed fathers never to punish a child to the point that he became terrorized, embittered, or moved to anger against a parent; fathers, after all, are not "hangmen." A proper spanking should be timely, coming on the heels of the infraction; "coolly" administered; calmly explained and justified in advance (a spanking was a rational exercise); and accompanied by profuse assurance of parental love...Spanking a child also required a degree of humility on the part of the parent because its very occurrence attested to the incompleteness, if not also the imperfection, of his child rearing.