The Christian Marriage Bed: Part II

You can find the first six points here.

Seventh, sex was created by God for the procreation of children. This does not mean you should only have sex to have children.  You should have sex because it is fun, and you love your spouse.  But to purposely exclude children from the marriage bed is wrong.

Eighth, do not compare your sex life to someone else’s. In our culture, we can read books about how to have great sex, talk to friends who describe their sex lives, view pornography or watched R-rated movies. Our view of the marriage bed becomes warped by unrealistic expectations pushed on us by the culture or friends. If you are having genuine problems in the marriage bed then get some help. But do not worry about measuring up to some standard out there. You are supposed to please one person; your spouse. Is your spouse happy? When they aren’t can you discuss the problem and work it out? Okay, then you are fine.

Ninth, Elisabeth Elliott said that sometimes sex is a steak and sometimes it is a sandwich.  Sex cannot bring you infinite pleasure. Some sexual experiences will be lame. Some will be funny. Some will be wonderful. Be content with that. The world tells us that every time we have sex it must be an unbelievable experience. Pastor Joel Beeke calls this the idol of the orgasm. There are at least two problems with believing that every sexual experience must be great:

1. We are never satisfied. We keep wanting more and more. The world tells us that sex will bring us great pleasure every time. When it doesn’t we are disappointed. We can start allowing perversions into the bedroom, thinking there is something wrong with us, looking down on our spouses if they are not giving us the experience we want, or fantasizing about a better sexual partner. 

2. We will only make love when the situation is perfect. Because we are looking for mountain top experiences we can miss opportunities that would fulfill us and our spouse, yet are not perfect.

Tenth, learn to communicate with one another about your sexual experiences and desires. This can be awkward, especially if something is not going right or someone is upset.  The husband should lead by opening up lines of communication and listening carefully to his wife. Often men are selfish blockheads in the bedroom. We can ignore our wives sexually. Our wives need to be able to tell us what they need and want. But a wife needs teaching as well. The female perspective is not automatically correct. If you cannot work out a problem on your own then discuss it with your pastor and wife or a trusted older couple.

Eleventh, there will be dry spells in marriage. Often prior to having a child or just after there can be months where a woman cannot make love or where making love can be very difficult. There may be times where the husband is very busy at work and the wife is watching the little ones at home. When the evening comes they are exhausted. There may be a housing situation that prevents easy love making or someone might be sick for a while. During these times the husband must be especially attentive. If it is in his hands, he should work to end the situation that is making sex difficult. For example, if they are living with the in-laws and there is no privacy he should try to remedy that. If they are both too tired, he should find times when they are rested to initiate.  If the situation is out of his hands, such as sickness, then he should see it as from the hand of God. He must guard himself and not make excuses for lustful thoughts or actions. He should also comfort his wife because she probably feels guilty about not being able to provide for him. Dry spells should be ended as soon as possible unless the Lord providentially puts a couple in a circumstance where love making is impossible.

Twelfth, emotional closeness and physical closeness go hand in hand. For the Christian sex is not just a physical act. We are making love to someone we are supposed to be in a deep, intimate relationship with. Without that relationship sex can lose its savor, especially for the wife. Husbands don’t forget this. If you are not getting action in the bedroom it is probably because the dishes are not getting done or you said something mean or the kids are out of control or you have spent five minutes talking to your wife in the last week.  If the amount of sex is not up to your approval look first to your emotional relationship with your wife, not your physical one.